


I Couldn't Save Him

by Be_My_Lost_Boy



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anal, Dark, Established Relationship, Explicit Sexual Content, Gay, Hardcore, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, PTSD, Relationship(s), Romance, Self-Harm, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-20
Updated: 2017-09-20
Packaged: 2018-12-21 22:43:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11954214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Be_My_Lost_Boy/pseuds/Be_My_Lost_Boy
Summary: -Trigger Warning-Ever since he was a child, Spencer has been dealing with mental illness, each and everyday he fought with himself to keep from jumping in front of a moving train while on his way to work or to school. It seemed almost as if he was winning the fight against his depression until he watched a suspect commit suicide right in front of him; awaking an urge that Spencer kept at bay for so long.





	I Couldn't Save Him

**Author's Note:**

> Major Trigger Warning! Though this is just a fan fiction, there are far too many real life stories just like this one. This piece can be very triggering for some while others may find comfort in realizing that they are not the only one who has these types of thoughts/urges/fears/etc. With that being said, please, please, PLEASE, if you feel that you may be triggered due to this then I strongly advise you to turn away now.

“Hotch! Hotch!” Spencer was screaming at the top of his lungs. As the rest of the team sprinted to Reid’s location, their hearts grew heavy at the sound of the young agent’s voice cracking. Reid tried to talk to the unsub but his voice was horas. He swallowed and coughed but nothing help the burning in the back of his throat. He was panicking, alone, and was nauseated with anxiety of the situation. “Hotch!” Reid screamed again, though it is a singular syllable word, he still went into a coughing fit half way through saying Aaron’s name. His phone was ringing, most likely Garcia on the other end but Spencer’s hands were too shaky and too slippery with blood to answer. Besides, he had the unsub to deal with. His phone continued to ring, call after call, yet Garcia was only met with voicemail. 

Fear consumed her. What was the last thing I said to Spenc? Oh God, what if that's the last time I ever talk to him?! What if...What if, “Hey this is Spencer, please leave a message.” is all I’ll have left? “No!” She screamed to the empty room, placing her small trash bin onto her lap incase she puked. “I can’t think like that. I have to have faith that my little babies will save my littlest baby. I just gotta hold on. Spenc, you gotta hold on…” Keeping her faith alive, Panoplie continued to ring the agent’s phone, again and again, yet each time she was met with the same response. 

Reid heard the faint footsteps of his team as they climbed the building’s stairwell. He knew they were close but time seemed to stand still as he waited for backup. Don’t worry Reid, we’re coming! He heard Morgan say, though the words were meant as encouragement and to supply comfort, it only put the youngest agent in an even deeper state of panic. 

“Reid! Re-...” The team fell silent. They have seen a lot of horrific scenes in their line of work but there are some that stick with you, haunt you. Every person in that room knew that this was one of those cases. 

“Help! Pl-Please! Please, help me! H-Hotch...Help me!” Reid cried, never sounding so desperate, so scared, his voice alone in this state was traumatizing, especially to Aaron. The blonde and the suspect were both on the floor, Reid was straddling him, his crotch, hands, chest, and even face was covered in blood. His eyes were puffy and his face was streaked with salty tears, snot even ran from his nose but the young agent was too disheveled to care. Upon closer inspection it was noted that Reid was not wearing his tie, yet instead, it was fastened tightly around one of the sub's wrists while he held onto the other with his bare hands. For the first time ever, the team was frozen in shock, words failed them as well as their legs. It was Aaron who, without any hesitation, rushed into the room, taking the younger agent into his arms as he worked to pry Reid’s hand off the man’s wrist. 

Reid collapsed at the touch of his boyfriend, allowing himself to nestle into the older man’s chest, sobbing audibly. Aaron’s white, pressed, button down shirt was now stained with blood but he did not care, nothing else seemed to hold any importance to him other than having the blonde in his arms. “Let’s get you out of here.” He whispered, kissing the top of his head though it did nothing to sooth his crying partner. Taking Spencer by the hand, he led the young agent out of the door and helped him down the stairs. It took the couple approximately about twenty minutes to reach the front door, Spencer’s legs were just too weak to carry him any faster and he was so ridden with shock, that his brain didn’t even process his motions, causing him to miss the last step on three of the landings. Yet, nevertheless, Hotch was right there to catch his boyfriend before he fell. 

“I-I couldn’t save him...I couldn’t save him. He...I couldn’t save him.” 

“It’s alright, Reid. I have you, you’re okay.” He cooed. The older man wanted nothing more than to get the blonde out of his bloody clothes, clean him up and mend all the broken pieces of his heart. We’ll be home soon. He assured himself.

Finally, they reached the large, metal door that separated them from the outside world. The door opened with a loud squeak as if it hasn’t been oiled in months, if not years. Hotch squinted at the blinding lights from the surrounding police cars and ambulances. Reid broke free from his superior, bolting towards the crowd of people only to stop mid way and vomit, sobbing once again. The young agent was heaving before everyone, clawing at his arm, trying to keep himself under control but he failed. Everytime Spencer thought he was finished, he would start again. The embarrassment shook him to the core and the more he fought for control the more he seemed to panic. 

The crowd fell silent as they watch the young agent, young enough to be their son, fall apart at the seams. Each and every person wanted to rush to Spencer’s side and help in some way but they didn’t want to startle him or make him any more embarrassed than he already was. Hotch was even frozen, it was as if the scenes before him weren’t real but instead, were part of a movie to which he, was the only audience. For a moment, Hotch couldn’t hear a thing, nothing except Spencer’s gaging. The lights no longer seemed blinding and the sounds no longer deafening. He didn’t even hear Morgan calling out to him, in fact, he didn’t even notice the man until he pushed right passed him on his way to Reid. Slowly, as if it was the bending of an orchestra, the lights and sounds began to come into focus and pierce his ears, Hotch felt disoriented, almost dizzy, unsure of how much time had passed. Looking down at his own body and seeing untold amounts of blood startled him but watching Reid, his lover, be carried off into the crowd by another man made his blood boil. Even though the man was Morgan and he was only going to the ambulance to treat the young agent, Hotch couldn’t help his jealously from reaching the surface. They had much bigger things to be concerned about but to Hotch, Spencer came first above all other priorities and responsibilities; nothing was deemed more important. He knew that was a toxic way of thinking, especially in this line of work, but at the end of the day, he is only human. 

“Reid...Reid!” He yelled, though his voice horas and came out as a fit of coughs and mangled whispers. Quickly, Aron brushed through the crowd frantically, watching the two agents just out of his reach. Seconds passed by but it felt like an eternity in Hell. Spencer was being cared for by another man in his most vulnerable hour. He loved Aaron, he needed him, yet it was Morgan filling his shoes, whispering to him, petting his hair, holding him on his lap...Hotch didn’t have enough time to compose himself or hide the pissed off, jealous look on his face. 

“Hey, Hotch.” Morgan said with a sigh as hurt glazed his deep brown eyes. Spencer was whimpering again, letting out with a strangled, choked cry. 

“Bab-”

“It’s okay, Pretty Boy, I got you, you’re okay.” 

Those words cut through Hotch, making him buck at the knees but somehow he managed to keep himself from falling. Those are my words, Reid is mine. How dare you try to take him away from me. “I’m taking him home.” Anything, anything to get Reid away from the handsome agent and back into his own arms. I am strong, I will protect you. With me, you are safe. 

“You can’t, Hotch, you know that. He came in contact with another person’s blood, he’s gotta get tested first before anything.” 

Of course, testing is protocall, he had completely forgot until just now. Hotch felt his jaw clench, the thought of Spencer possible contracting AIDS never crossed his mind in all these years until just now. He remembered a rant that Reid went on not too long ago involving an art piece in a gallery that consisted of 77 lbs of candy. During the AIDS epidemic, that swept the nation, the artist’s partner fell victim to the deadly disease, causing him to weigh no more than 77lbs right before his death. He has seen a lot of horrible things during his years as an FBI agent but he couldn’t bring himself to visit the dark corners of his mind, the place where nightmarish scenarios of Spencer lived. 

In a matter of moments, another man, this time, he wore an EMT uniform appeared before the group of agents. “Dr. Reid, we’re going to take you to the hospital now.” Reid’s only response was to cling to Derek even tighter than he already was. 

‘Relax, Pretty Boy. I’ll go with you if you want, no need to be afraid, not when I’m by your side.”

“That’s enough.” Hotch piped in, hiding the balled fists in the pockets of his pants. “I’m going with him and that’s final. As Unit Chief I need to be present while any medical procedure involving any of my agents takes place.” It sounded good yet it was a lie, the disappointed look on Morgan's face only made his blood boil more. There has always been something special between Morgan and Reid and even though Hotch has won Spencer’s heart in the end, he cannot let go of the jealousy he feels whenever the other agent is around. Even after all this time, he feels as though he is in competition with Derek. Morgan is much younger than he, in better shape and by far more attractive, what could Spencer possible see in him when he can have someone handsome and fit? 

The ride to the hospital was a quiet one, the EMT searched Reid for any visible wounds while trying their best to clean the blood off of him. Hotch sat motionless, staring down at his lover while his lover stared back at him, never breaking eye contact. Reid seemed to be at peace, or at least, in a more stable condition that he was previously. Aaron wanted nothing more than to lean in and kiss the young agent, holding him the way Derek did and tell him that he was safe. But he couldn’t...He had to keep his distance in a professional setting such as this. Since day one, Hotch has always treated Reid differently than all the others, being more patient with him, softer and more understanding. The thought of losing him, the only person he truly ever loved made Hotch contemplate taking his own life if he were to ever lose Reid to an illness or to another man. He was needy when it came to the young agent, and it was toxic for him but much like all other toxins, he was addicted. He never told Reid that he would take his own life if he ever left him because that would be domestic abuse and manipulation so instead, he kept it to himself, probably the only thing he ever kept from blonde. 

“We’re here, Sir.” A woman announced, opening the doors of the ambulance and began unloading Reid, wheeling him into the ER. In a daze, Reid reached his hand out to his Superior, wanting the human touch from the person he craved most. Hotch knew that he could not deliver, and that thought alone, ripped his heart out. There was a moment where the older man debated on breaking character as well as breaking the rules and comfort his lover but by the time he had come to any sort of a conclusion, Reid was already being sedated. Watching a needle be injected into Spencer’s ivory skin while his eyes grew heavy, reenacting a dog’s last moments in a pound caused the Unit Chief to look away in fear that he too would faint. I need some air! Quickly, Aarons stormed off, it was as if his feet didn't even touch the floor, busting through the heavy, glass, double doors that presented the sign Exit above it, Aaron took a deep breath of air. Anyone within ear shot of him would have sworn he was having an asthma attack. Aaron considered bumming a cigarette off of someone or simply buying a pack himself. 

6 seconds. Rung through the elder’s ears like church bells, on cue with the first light of day. “Goddamn it, Reid!” He cursed, grinding his teeth. 

“He’ll be okay. But more importantly, are you okay?” Placing his hand firmly on his handgun, Hotch whipped around only to be met with the soft, wrinkly face of a grey haired woman. It didn’t occur to him until minutes later that he was still stained with blood. 

“I-I’m alright.” It was the first time, in a long time, if not the first time that Hotch can remember stuttering, the shaky, timid voice was one that he was a stranger to. Though his team was nowhere to be found, he still felt the need to “keep up appearance”, if not for himself, than for Reid. “Um, it’s not my blood nor is it, Reid’s…” 

“Reid? Huh, can’t say I ever heard that name before. Please, join me,” With another warm smile, the old woman patted the seat next to her on the bench to which Hotch obliged. 

“Reid is...Reid is his last time. His first name is Spencer. Uh, Dr. Spencer Reid, actually.” Even in the darkest of nights, Hotch still felt a glimmer of pride whenever he gave Reid the title of, ‘Doctor’. He had no idea who this woman was or why he was unloading so much information to her but it felt good to have a verbal outlet for once. 

“So, I’m guessing you're some type of cop?” 

“Something like that. What gave it away?” He joked.

“Well, you’re covered in blood and have a gun. Either you and this Dr. Spencer Reid are serial killers or you’re a cop. And if you two were serial killers, I don’t think you would bring a guilty person to a hospital, no matter how injured.” The couple laughed and continued to tell bits and pieces of information about each other, passing more time than Hotch would have liked. 

“Oh, damnit! It’s already past one in the morning.” the dark haired man blurted out, immediately apologizing for his language. 

“Go to him, dear.” She said, watching as Hotch sprinted off, back through the double glass doors. 

214, he recalled the room number to where Spencer was last. No time to wait for an elevator, the older man took to the stairs, skipping every other step with his long stride. Hotch smiled, remembering how Reid would always nag to him about that, “One of these days, you’re going to trip while doing that. And with your luck, it’ll be in front of someone important.” The skinny blonde would always say while rambling off a list of people and scenarios in which the incident would be the absolute worst. Yet, despite all the people Spencer had named, to Hotch, falling or even tripping in front of the young blonde would be the worst of them all. While in the presence of his boyfriend, the love of his life, Hotch makes it a mission to display as much authority and grace as he can. With each day that passes, he hopes that Spencer sees him the way he wishes to be seen so that his eyes nor his heart will ever stray to someone else. Especially not to someone such as Morgen. 

222…? Shit! I passed it. The squeak coming from the man’s shoes as he made an about face was far too loud. Before he placed his hand onto the door handle, Hotch adjusted himself, fixed his hair, tried to make himself seem as presentable as possible even while painted in blood. “Okay...Let’s do this.” Hotch did not waste time in opening the door, he didn’t want the sound of clanking metal coming from his shaky hands to ring out through the small hospital room. The bed was surrounded by a curtain with nothing more than a dim light illuminating from the slivers of space. “Reid!” His dark eyes grew wide, much wider. “Y-You’re not, Reid.” The nurse stood from the bed, the look of shock still firmly instated, causing her to drop the clipboard in hand. “Surely I have the correct room.” 

“You do. Well, you did.” The nurse said bluntly, trying to be polite but was obvious very nervous about Hotch’s current appearance. “You are looking for a…” She glanced briefly at her clipboard. “A Dr. Spencer Reid? He left about a half hour ago.”

“Wait, you sent him off alone?” The anger in Aaron’s voice roared like thunder. 

“N-No, of course not. He left with a man whose credentials identified him as Agent Derek Morgan.”

**Author's Note:**

> Cliffhanger! I'd love to know what you think, comments and kudos are always welcomed and appreciated.


End file.
